I Cannot Sleep

My lovely-young-bride of 35 years didn’t call me tonight. Logging in and reading her daily progress notes (with her permission!) I see where they’ve had to put her on a bipap machine.
Having sleep apnea my self, I use a cpap machine that kicks in when I haven’t breathed in awhile.
Same for a bipap but more so. So, she isn’t getting any better. She’s at the point she forgets to breathe.
Or, that’s the way my mind works. Every time I lay down I go through all the worst case scenarios.  Can’t turn it off. And I can’t fix this.
I want to talk to her Doc but it’s midnight. I desperately want to ask him Is My Wife Dieing? If she is then why are y’all still treating her with what doesn’t work? Maybe it’s time to try something off the rails? Something experimental?
Mostly I want them to let me in to see her.
I want to go hold her hand and tell her I love her still. I’ve always loved her even if I didn’t know it was her the first 32 years of my life.
Fuck.

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